The Vacuum: Bloomer and Keogh Investigate

Issue 3
Bloomer & Keogh Investigate
The Non Food Diet

Mr. Keogh's Preamble:
I was very interested to find out that one of the themes of this week's Vacuum was diet. This gives us the opportunity to understand more about some of the other discoveries we have made during current and past investigations.

During extensive subterranean explorations and investigations spanning a year and a half now, we have seen forgotten worlds, places that have never seen the light of day.

Veins and arteries pump day and night below our feet, feeding us with energy and information, all taken for granted. Working silently out of sight, we only give a second thought when something goes wrong. This is especially true when there is a breach in the colon. Most of our investigations have been involved in this area, an area people are only too happy to ignore.

Effluent emerging in inappropriate places can be upsetting and sometimes poses a serious health risk. Sorting the problem out takes up valuable time, money and manpower. All of them resources which could be saved if people took a vested interest in what went on under their feet. When dealing with a blockage it's usually the simplest explanations that prove to be most accurate. A foreign body stuck in a pipe covers most situations. In our previous subterranean investigations we once found a small plastic fork to be the cause of thousands of pounds worth of damage, and distress (Belfast City Council take note). However isolating the cause of a problem is not always so straightforward. In the same way a traffic jam can grow on an empty motorway from one car slowing slightly, it only takes one resilient stool to have a knock on effect and cause chaos, below and above ground. In these cases diet could be the source of the problem, so it should be easily preventable.

To establish weather or not the problem is isolated the incidents are recorded and charted. Patterns sometimes form often repeating them selves over time in a seasonal manner. These patterns are not yet explainable due to lack of scientific research, so cannot be shown, in case rash correlations are drawn and certain food outlets or amenities are used as scapegoats to vent unfounded accusations.

Diet in some shape or form is to blame and will always raise issues and cause problems. Ankle deep in human waste I had to ask myself, is there another way? Are there lessons to be learnt from hydroponics (n.pl. the cultivation of plants without soil placed in water containing nutrients. Higher yields and faster growth. No mess no fuss. What if we could run more efficiently and eliminate human waste from our lives forever. This would require a diet devoid of unnecessary and bulky organic matter, containing only the vital nutrients needed to run a body. A completely synthetic diet might eliminate the need for sewers altogether. The implications of this in areas where people live in confined spaces or close proximity to one another are considerable. It would free us from many routines and restrictions.

Of course this is all mere speculation, an investigation will have to be carried out. A human specimen is needed. All organic matter is cut from Mr. Bloomer's diet as of now.

Bloomer and Keogh Investigate - The Non Food Diet

Mr. Diesel himself. A visionary and Mr Boomer's mentor. Although "just" an apprentice, a "blaeu monteur" he grew more confident in his convictions and began his harden belief that there must be a better way. A better way to use the energy from the fuel that the most efficient steam plant used. At the time, 9/10 th of the fuel was wasted, a blasphemy to Rudolph, who was raised to loathe waste from his strict father.

Mr. Bloomers Log Book:
I'm set to engage in a most experimental diet for the purposes of furthering understanding and researching alternative food stuffs on which to operate humans which maybe available cheaply as byproducts of industry.

Mr Rudolph Diesel connived his design for a new type of engine in an attempt to find a use for old coal dust, which was a waste material and had a nasty habit of exploding if you had too much of it. It didn't work but he found his new engine ran happily on peanut oil, nowadays we use a cheap by-product of the petrol industry called diesel for all our agricultural and light industrial needs.

What can a human run on without modification or re-carbonation? For the next three days I will be attempting a food free diet by eating only dietary supplements, meal replacements and space food containing only long lists of nutritional parameters. All of which are thought to be beneficial to those humans who are alive.

Thursday night:
Easy so far, I have only turned down biscuits.

Friday 11.30:
Very hungry, must eat, point bicycle toward nearest chemist, will it be a happy hunting ground for the omnivore in search of nutrition? I explain my predicament, the first assistant says they have no food for me to eatŠ. I am gutted. Second assistant interjects and suggests Complan; a complete meal in a cup apparently. It's all you need to run an adult human.

That was easy, shopping list is now down to one item. It's light and easy to carry, unlike bulky and often easily damaged vegetables. Cooking will be easier and there are hardly any dishes. It's a scientifically righteous cup-a-soup.

When eaten however it doesn't appear to have any food like effect, I administer another dose immediately. Its not particularly tasty nor does it give any of the pleasant heavy lazy feelings normally associated with dinner, It didn't mention any thing about side effects on the packet either...

Friday 14:00:
Another Complan later and still no noticeable effect. I must find a source of fibre or some inert packing.

Friday 17:00:
The kitchen has become a place of torment, I desperately want toast. No concentration...

Friday 20:00:
Visit Tescos in search of sustenance, which is suited to my strict regime. Slimfast is the only substance which qualifies. I discreetly lift two tins of the strawberry milkshake variety and shuffle away from the health products isle, making my way to the check out, hoping not to be spotted. Someone shouts "Jesus Paddy are you on the Slimfast?" across check out counter. I make my excuses but know the check out staff have heard them all before. Armed with my tins I go to visit some friends. It tastes better than Complan and observers note a visible boost in energy after administration. Better take it easy on this stuff.

Friday 21:00:
Much discussion occurs about a food free diet. What is food? I say that Monster Munch is not food when someone produces a packet, but the general consensus is against me and they are forcibly confiscated before I could eat more than one delicious reconstituted cornsnack. Is drink food then? The panel seems to be more lenient on this one and are prepared to allow almost anything alcoholic. By this reasoning I would be allowed to eat a street drunk or some of my friends. I voluntarily set the boundaries and allow:
- Kalliber: it's not real food because it isn't even real beer.
- 9% white cider in a blue bottle because it doesn't occur naturally.
- An especially cheap brand of vodka, which lists its ingredients as: water, alcohol and glycerol

None of the above are available in the off license, but a helpful member of staff suggests Goldshlager, he maintains is the most chemical drink you can get. I don't necessarily agree but it has gold leaf in it so at least I have found a source of inert packing.

Concentration is still low but I develop a fascination with the game Connect 4. Another unexpected side effect.

Saturday 11:00:
Visit health food shop and acquire the following provisions: High5 tropical flavour sports( a carbohydrate drink for athletes), T.V.P textured vegetable protein (dehydrated rubbery lumps for making vegetarian food rubbery and lumpy.

High five is an excellent source of carbohydrate and comes with a free sports drink containment unit. It gives an instant hit. T.V.P. Provides texture and novelty when added to Complan, on its own it tastes and smells like cattle nuts.

Saturday 13:00:
First bowel movement since start of experiment, firm but reassuringly so. The kitchen is still a place of torment. It is littered with lost discarded and distinctly unscientific foodstuff, it's in a mess and the smell of decomposing organic mater from the bin brings on intense waves of hunger.

Saturday (later):
Friends have accumulated in the living room; they are intent on having a drink and going to a party and insist that I comply with their plan, continually putting temptation in my path. I utilise their enthusiasm. To avoid further embarrassment they offer to go and get a carry out, I order a six pack of slimfast.

I spend an entire evening and late night in the company of people who are continually shocked by my drinking of slimfast and insist for my own good that I put it down and accept their kind offer of a beer. I resist temptation (mostly) but do note that they are definitely having more fun than I am.

Sunday 10:00:
Wake up feeling unscathed from the previous night. Gain sustenance from several cups of black coffee. I write up my report and calculate over a carbo drink, a Complan and T.V.P. soup that I will have consumed during the course of my 72 hour experiment: 1606 kilojules equivalent to 4.53 kilowatt hours available from N.I.E. for about 40 pence or 6.07 horsepower hours the output one standard horse for 6,07 hours or 6.07 standard horses for one hour. In British thermal units it is 15500 equivalent to about one kilo of household coal costing 50p. 0.43 litres of peanut oil which would run an efficient diesel car for 7.6 miles.

Sunday 15:00:
No one is up yet in the house and the pains in my stomach do not mater so much in a couple of hours. I will again be able to worship in the church of excessive fat and carbohydrate. After all this unnatural food I think I'll celebrate with a kebab.

Sunday 18:40:
Nearly over. In conclusion I will not be in a rush to experiment with a synthetic diet again and if my bicycle were a diesel I'd run it on peanut oil.